For me BDSM is mainly about trust and respect.
Over the past period I have become entangled in my "Thinking" again. The fact that verbal humiliation, but also pain, evokes intense emotions in me stems from my childhood. This is also accompanied by physical complaints, a very bad feeling in your stomach. For me, this is the inverse feeling of being "in love" and feeling love. Losing the feeling of your "Love".
That trauma I suffered in my youth is a primal feeling, an imprint. That feeling can sometimes last for days, while the cause was often (in retrospect) something minor. When I get that feeling I can often react violently, angry, irritated.
That is not always convenient as a slave. Because the reason why you get so "Angry" is not because of your Mistress, but because of the feeling of physical pain and verbal humiliation that you experienced as a child, which triggers that intense reaction in you.
Because of great coaching from my Mistress, my Wife, my psychologist, my men's coach and the top men's group I'm in now, I'm sure it will work, and the periods where I feel happy are getting longer and longer.
I can get "Angry", but I have to think better, not react in that emotion. When after a while reason has taken possession of your brain again, and you know that Miss Mercy does not want to hurt you, but just wants to make it clear to you what she expects from you.
Or that she made it clear to me through a rather painful "Session" that the anger and powerlessness in that setting can also cause very intense emotions.
This week I discovered again how important respect and trust are.
I notice that a new phase in my life is coming, and that feels good.